I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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