i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
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I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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