So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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