So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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