College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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