Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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