I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize