i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
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birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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