Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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