The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize