I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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