The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
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I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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