the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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