Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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