I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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