i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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