Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
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why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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