I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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