There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
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What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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