I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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