I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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