Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
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So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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