just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish you could order shots online.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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