Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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