please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
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good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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