literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
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The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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