The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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