we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am one with the molecules
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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