I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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