i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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