I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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