I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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