I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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