when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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