I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize