I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
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I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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