the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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