oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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