Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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