Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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