So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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