I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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