someone threw a dead crab at me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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