every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
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And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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