The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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