Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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