so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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