She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
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Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
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We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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