when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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