i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
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I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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